Hi. Um, what's everyone doing on April 22nd? I don't know, why do you care? says you. Well, y'see, me, I'm going to be swimming 24 miles across Tampa Bay on that date. And, well, I need a crew member or two. Don't panic, there's no boat-driving or swimming involved on your part - goodness knows I've forked over more than enough dough for that stuff already. (Yeah. All that money I was saving by living way-the-hell-away from campus in a $270 apartment? Gone.) All you'd have to do is help me sunscreen and Vaseline myself at the start, hand me food and drink every 30-60 minutes while I swim, give me anything else I may ask for (ibuprofen, mouthwash for the salt water, a hand grenade, etc.) and make me keep going when that sixth-hour dip sets in. Simple, really, and I'd even take you out to dinner as a thank-you. (You would still be paying half the hotel room and gas, but really, doesn't the pleasure of my company offset all that?)

Anyway, I thought my dad was going to do it, but he didn't sound too stoked about the idea of ten hours on a boat (whoops, did I forget to mention that?), so I'm casting my net a bit wider. I need to book the hotel ASAP before the management gives away the race's block of rooms, so can you help me, Internet? One of you people living inside the computer has to be just dying to waste spend a Saturday with me, right?