I hate uncertainty. Many of you may have noticed that. I like having a plan and I like being organized. I like knowing exactly what's going to happen when, and I like being able to manage my time to best suit the timing of the events.

That's why this grad school thing is driving me so completely crazy.

I've got my 2006 planner open next to me, and it's filling up. January is my birthday, the start of classes, and a swim meet in Ohio. February brings Catie's birthday and a swim meet in the O'Dome. March is the River Run and blissful spring break, and April is the end of my four years at UF (*sniff*) as well as the Tampa Bay Marathon Swim. May is graduation, USMS Nationals, and the release of The da Vinci Code. June is the Swim Around Key West (and would have been Manhattan as well if not for the price tag). July is the release of Pirates of the Caribbean II. August is the Boston Light swim and my mom's birthday.

And there it all stops.

There is not one single entry in my planner after Mom's birthday on August 13th, because nothing is certain. Nothing. I don't know what will be happening in August. I don't know what city I'll be in, or what sort of academic program I'll be following, or what sort of athletic schedule I'll have. I don't know if I'll have my own apartment, or if I'll share one, or if I'll be in yet another dorm room. I don't know where I'll be buying my groceries or where I'll be parking my car. I don't know if I'll have lots of new friends or none at all. I don't know if I'll have a job, or if my savings account will be filling up or dwindling down. I don't know how much free time I'll have, or what new subjects I might get a chance to take, or how often I'll be able to see my family.

And I hate that.

As a quick review: I submitted my applications in August. I had to, because otherwise I would have spent a fortune on international postage. The deadlines are at the New Year. I applied to Masters programs at UF, UNC Chapel Hill, and U of Pittsburgh, as well as - and I'm crossing my fingers here - Ph.D programs at Harvard, Yale, Georgetown, and Brown. Results come out in March, or, if I'm very lucky, at the end of February. That means another three months in limbo, at best.

Also, my third recommendation provider STILL has not, well, provided the recommendations. I'm given her repeated reminders, but still no dice. I'm at the point where I think I need to notify a backup (who should in theory already have a letter for me, since she recommended me for a scholarship last year) just so I'm not left completely out in the cold if my third professor turns out to have some sort of deadly illness or family crisis or inescapable black hole in her living room. (Which is why I reminded her in OCTOBER... and November...)

Alas, it's another case of 'why can't the rest of the world just do their jobs?' Mom knows what I mean. Add to that list:

(a) het Zinkstuk, for taking E35 too much out of my bank account and not yet returning it despite repeated contact
(b) Monique, for not letting me know if my apartment application ever arrived (again, despite contact)
(c) Laura, for not letting me know if she's going to meet me at Gatwick or not (but I haven't hassled her yet...)
(d) KeepToTheCode.com for not posting their December contests, nor the results of their November ones. I want to know if I won that autographed script.

What can you do but sigh, really?

22:41 UPDATE: Who woulda thought? Sometimes, bitching about something online really does get results. My last 'nagging e-mail' to my recommendation provider was a week ago, and I'd gotten no response, so I e-mailed my "backup professor"... and SIX MINUTES later, I got a response from the original professor, saying basically sorry sorry sorry and that it would be done tomorrow. Talk about timing. And then, just now, I also got an e-mail from Monique, saying that no, my application hadn't arrived, but reassuring me that it wasn't possible for my spot to be taken because everything was under her name, so I have an apartment no matter what. Still don't know anything about Laura, the KTTC contests, or my 35 euro, but those are small potatoes compared to the other two.