I should have posted this sooner, I know, but it seemed like everybody found out anyway. I was checking my email obsessively the Monday after the interview, even though I knew that The Email might not come until Tuesday, if it was even going to come at all -- and at 1:59pm, I was rewarded.

I got in!!!

To Duke University! As in, the number-two program in the country (formerly number one), the program that invented the PA profession, the program that only accepts 8 percent of its applicants, the school that everybody secretly wants to go to. That program. I got in.

Wow.

It seemed like everyone around me had no doubts at all, but let me tell you -- I did. I mean, some of the interview questions threw me for a loop... I did most of my prerequisites at a community college... and I have a bachelor's in linguistics, for crying out loud -- what could be more of a one-eighty? And yet, it's like I said in my last post. I feel like they saw me at that interview, warts and all, and that they still gave me a unanimous Yes.

That's amazing.

I came home and cried, honestly, just because I was so relieved. I can breathe again. The past three years have been so incredibly hard in so many ways -- full-time school plus full-time work, doing a job I hated (the ambulance, not the pediatrician), living in crappy apartments with Dumpster-salvaged furniture, counting every single penny -- and now... I don't have to worry anymore! Yes, the next two years are going to be insanely difficult, there will definitely be times when I'm ripping my hair out, and I will be up to my eyeballs in loans... but in a way, the 'chancy' part is over. I'm in. Once I've graduated, I'll have the best job security anyone could ask for, I'll be able to work in any area of medicine I want, I'll be doing something I love, and I'll be making great money... which feels huge to me right now. I won't have to total up the items in my grocery cart and then put a few of them back because I can't pay for them. I'll be able to buy some grown-up furniture, and maybe take us on a real vacation once in a while. Wow.

I actually got what I've been working toward. And it feels great.

Liz and I spent the weekend in Asheville, and had a fantastic time. (Last Wednesday was our third anniversary, and this Thursday is obviously Thanksgiving, so it's been a nice coincidence of events around here... lots to celebrate and be thankful for!) We spent the night at our friend Tiffany's house on Thursday night, after going to the midnight showing of New Moon, which was fun (when Taylor Lautner took his shirt off for the first time, the entire female audience gasped in unison, then burst into applause). I maintain that the writing of the Twilight books is really pretty crappy, especially in books two and three, but I do love the Cullen characters -- you just want to be a vampire by the time you're done reading. Anyway, so we went to sleep around 2:30, then got up the next day and had breakfast at the Sunny Point Cafe, which is a tiny, hole-in-the-wall cafe that serves amazing breakfasts. (I'd done my research online before we left so that we could, effectively, eat our way through Asheville.)

After that, we went to Chimney Rock State Park and did some hiking, both down to the waterfall and up to the Chimney itself. (Pictures to come on Facebook!) Later, we headed back to town and checked into our hotel (a Holiday Inn, which was actually very nice apart from the snooty staff), then headed out to what was quite possibly the best meal I've ever had -- shrimp over goat cheese grits at the Tupelo Honey Cafe. (We liked that restaurant so much that we went back the next night, which may have been the second-best meal I've ever eaten -- a Havarti-and-gorgonzola grilled cheese sandwich with tomato-basil bisque.) To top it off, after watching the outdoor drum circle for a few minutes (an Asheville classic), we headed to the French Broad Chocolate Lounge... which has to be tasted to be believed. We both had a 'sipping truffle', which is basically an incredibly rich form of hot chocolate... so thick that it drips off the spoon almost as if the cup were full of pure melted chocolate. Yum.

There was a holiday parade in town the next day, so we were stunned when we walked into the Early Girl Eatery for breakfast -- not only did we have no wait at all, but we were seated beside the window, with a perfect view of the parade. Breakfast was so-so -- nothing special -- but the view was nice. We spent most of the day walking around, visiting the various shops. We spent the most time in a place called Malaprop's, which was voted the best independent bookstore in the Southeast and also serves up some pretty mean coffee. After a second visit to Tupelo and to the Chocolate Lounge (this time I tried the "real" (non-sipping) truffles, which are absolutely incredible... I liked the French Lavender, which is made with wildflower honey, among other things), we headed back to the hotel for a shower and a movie on cable.

This morning, rain was rolling into town, so after a quick breakfast at an eco-friendly coffee shop called The Green Sage, we headed out (right at the edge of the rain, which we managed to leave behind before too long). Three hours and forty-five minutes later, we were home. Now, after a workout, some unpacking, my filling out my Duke papers (I still can't believe it!), and dinner, we're settling in to catch up on Grey's Anatomy, which we missed on Thursday. Just a quiet Sunday night... in preparation for this crazy three-day Thanksgiving week we're about to have.

*sigh*... Life is beautiful... isn't it? :)

I had my Duke interview yesterday, and on the whole I think it went well. We spent the morning in a conference room, listening to presentations on the didactic and clinical years as well as some info from the financial aid officer. There was also a photo/video tour, since the campus is way too spread out to allow us to walk to all these places (not to mention that it was raining cats and dogs). Once we'd been lulled into a PowerPoint-induced stupor, we went upstairs to observe a few minutes of a small-group class. The group in my room seemed to be having a lot of fun; they were identifying certain factors in a list of clinical questions, and there was a lot of laughter (particularly during the exercise about the overweight male sports fan whose wife was afraid he was going to have a heart attack while watching the game... that was amusing). We came back downstairs and ate lunch in the conference room with some of the first-year students (no faculty present, so we could ask anything we wanted), then got our photos taken for our ID badges (oh, if only!), and then started the real stuff. Gulp.

There were ten of us interviewing, and we were split into two groups of five for our group exercise. My group went first; we were given an ethical scenario and asked to discuss how we would handle it. I felt like this part of the day went fantastic for me; the five of us played off each other very well. We all had equal talking time and each had our own "shining moments" (one of mine was an instance when the conversation stalled; the observer was gesturing that we still had a few minutes to "use up", so I asked, "So has anyone ever come across a situation like this in real life?" and got the talk going again). At the end, when we were asked to reflect on how we had done as a group, I echoed others' sentiments that we had worked well together and added (sincerely), "I'd love to work with any of you guys in a classroom setting." Others also stated that they felt grateful that I had gotten us over the initial "how-do-we-get-started" rough moment by reading the question aloud. It was interesting -- this was the portion of the interview that I'd been most dreading, but it actually turned out to be the segment that I felt most confident about. I wouldn't change a single thing about my performance in that room, and I truly would love to work with those other four interviewees as my classmates. Oh, I can only hope!

Anyway, after the group exercise, I had two individual interviews with faculty members, a woman and a man. Without giving away specifics as to what I was asked, I can say that the woman was very relaxed and easy to converse with; she put me at ease and turned the interview into a real conversation. Of note, her son (now a college graduate) used to be a patient at the pediatric practice that I work at, so we had a few minutes' chat about the doctors there. I felt like I did well with her; I had the opportunity to mention the Duke TIP program (which I participated in as a middle-schooler) and the chance to talk about the current healthcare system and the debate surrounding it. The man was a little tougher; he was clearly just going down a list of questions (most of which were a little more 'psychological' than I'd anticipated), and not making any effort whatsoever to set me at ease by conversing with me. I scrambled a little with him, honestly, because I was having to switch gears so quickly. I did get to put in a few more of my talking points, like the English Channel and my excitement about Duke's international clinical rotations, but most of his questions were ones that I wasn't really prepared for and had to answer on the fly, so I missed a couple of opportunities for good answers, which frustrated me a bit afterward. Overall, it was more than a little disconcerting (my mom seems to think that it may have been a mind game, to see how we reacted), but I still think it went okay. I did get one genuine smile out of him, when we discussed the tricky parts of working with kids (he has two young children). And, to be fair, I was his last interview for the day, so maybe he was just ready to go home. I know I was. :)

Anyway, so here I sit, 24 hours later, and I'm not sure how to feel. I could try to convince myself of a lot of different factors. I was the only one there who worked in pediatrics; that might have made me stand out. They didn't ask a single question about my academics; maybe that means my record spoke for itself. But the truth is, it's not in my hands anymore. I went for a five-mile run this morning, and while showering afterward, I came to a comfortable realization. Sure, I may not have answered every question in the 'textbook' fashion -- the way that a PA interview handbook would have advised me to -- but I showed them who I was. Yes, I did talk about Jean Auel and Harry Potter when we discussed books, instead of professing a preference for thick presidential biographies. Yes, I did say that I played sports as a way of de-stressing, rather than using the cliche, well-rounded answer of 'spending time with family and friends'. But I answered every question genuinely and with a smile. I spoke clearly and confidently, I didn't pause or stumble, I used humor, I engaged the interviewers by asking about their own lives, and at one point, I let my passion shine through about how impressed I was by their program and how badly I wanted to attend Duke. It was not a perfect interview experience by any means, but then again, I'm not a perfect person, and I don't believe they expected perfection. At least, I hope not. :)

I'm trying to look at it this way: this is the number-two PA program in the entire country, and I got an interview. (By this year's numbers, 21% of applicants have been invited to interview, and 8% will be accepted.) I know that I'm good enough and smart enough to handle the curriculum, and they know that too; if I weren't, I wouldn't have been invited to interview at all, let alone in the very first week. I have to believe that yesterday was intended mostly to show them a little bit of who I am outside of the numbers, and I feel as though I did that. If they decline me, I'll know that they did so based on ME, not based on some girl giving scripted answers that she thought her questioners wanted to hear. And if they accept me, I'll know that they did it for the same reason -- that they thought that I, a marathon-running, novel-reading, pediatric-leaning, imperfect young woman, would fit in with the class they're building for 2010, and would represent Duke well.

It doesn't do any good to speculate. Especially seeing as I'm typing this at 2:30pm on Friday. The interviewers met today to discuss the whole week's worth of interviews, so that means that odds are that my fate -- yea, nay, or wait-till-March -- has already been decided. If it's a unanimous 'yes' or 'no', I'll get an email on Monday or Tuesday; if the opinions are split, I'll be relegated to the larger stack to wait until March 1st. No matter what happens, I'm trying to focus on the fact that I am an exceptionally smart and strong individual with many gifts, many people in my life who love me, and much to be thankful for. I am going to attend PA school, I am going to graduate, and I am going to represent the field -- and, thus, my school -- as well as I possibly can. I hope it's Duke -- god, I hope it's Duke -- but if it isn't, that'll be okay too.

Though that doesn't mean I'm not counting the hours until Tuesday. Argh. :)

Hey, two posts in one week; that doesn't happen very often. Anyway, I feel a little better about the whole work situation today, now that I've had a few hours of free time where I didn't have to think about vaccines or lab tests or the flu. It really is only eight more months, and you know what? When my last workday (somewhere around June 24th) actually does arrive... I'm going to be really sad.

How, you ask, did this one-eighty take place? Well, it's been a gorgeous day, so I went for a short run (my first one since the half marathon) and spent a good chunk of the time thinking about how much this job has really helped me. Not just as far as medical skills and knowledge go, but in terms of patient interaction -- how I convey information to people, whether they're three or eighty-three. And I think cultivating that ability has helped me in other situations, too -- the UF interview, for instance. I'm a lot less nervous about fielding questions than I used to be, and a lot more confident in my ability to answer clearly, intelligently, and concisely. I still often field questions that I don't know the answers to, but I think I do pretty well with putting people at ease and informing them about the things I do know. Some time back, the front desk staff spent a week or two handing out surveys to parents, and they got to rate and comment on every aspect of our practice -- the wait time, the facilities, how comfortable they felt with the doctor they saw, etc. After the results had been tallied, the doctor I work for (whom I absolutely adore) told me privately that I'd received the highest ratings of any nurse at the practice. I was blown away -- after all, I'm not even an RN; my medical knowledge and ability is surely far lower than many of the other nurses. It's got to be my demeanor that makes the difference. Hopefully that same trait will help me in six days, when I'm sitting in that interview chair at Duke University. *gulp*

(Short digression: I cannot believe how much easier it is to run now that I'm 15 pounds lighter! I don't feel like my body really looks all that different, but when Liz tosses three bags of sugar into my arms and tells me to feel the difference, well, I definitely can. I'm still a little sore from Sunday, but I did my 'usual' three miles today really easily. Hooray for weight loss!)

Oh, and more good news: my cousin Anna, who was diagnosed with lymphoma over the summer, has officially been declared cancer-free! She has a CaringBridge blog where she's been chronicling her journey -- you can read it here if you're interested. She is an amazing person, and I never had any doubt that she would triumph over that silly old cancer, but it's nice to hear the official word. She has two more chemo treatments to go, but there was "no evidence of disease" on her scans this week, so these last two treatments will really just be prophylactic. Yay for Anna!!!

In the same vein... I've been looking into that Victory Junction camp, the one that next month's half marathon will benefit (for kids with chronic illnesses), and I really think I might want to volunteer there. None of their positions are paid, so I wouldn't be able to go for very long, but the sessions only last a week (or, in some cases, only a weekend), and it sounds like a lot of fun. They have some amazing facilities (a challenge tower, a multisport complex, an on-site hospital, and a water park -- to name a few!?!?), and it's something I'd really like to be a part of. Maybe this summer, during my month in between work and PA school.

I forget whether I mentioned this in my last post or not, but Liz's and my three-year anniversary is on the 18th, so we're spending that weekend in Asheville, visiting the Biltmore and eating amazing food in the funky downtown district (I have a list of five restaurants that we've been told we "have to" visit... among them, the Early Girl Eatery and the Tupelo Honey Cafe). There also might be a hike involved (especially if there are still a few red and yellow leaves to peep at... they're mostly fading to brown over in this corner of the world) and maybe even a trip to Chimney Rock. We shall see. I absolutely cannot believe that we've been together for three years. A lot has stayed the same, but really, our lives have changed so much since then. 2006 feels like a lifetime ago. And I gotta say... there are some great memories... but I wouldn't go back for anything. I'm much more excited to see what the end of 2009 will bring.

Just a quick update with some news:

1.) So I officially won the Biggest Loser competition at work, and got the money today. (Not that I've exactly earned it this past week; I've been eating like an absolute train wreck ever since the half marathon.) Anyway, my grand total was $90.55, mostly in one-dollar bills. I pity the person who was behind me in line at the drive-up ATM tonight.

2.) Just as the soreness is abating from Sunday's race, I've got my eye on another one: the Run to Victory, which is a half marathon near Greensboro that benefits a camp for kids with various illnesses. How can you not support that? Plus, they have cool shirts.

3.) My Duke interview is one week from today. I'm not sure whether to be nervous or excited. Probably both. I sort of just want it to be over already.

4.) This one's going to be a rant, just because it needs to be said. Plain and simple, I'm starting to feel really 'burned out' at work. We're smack in the middle of flu season, and we're struggling with not only the seasonal flu vaccine (which in itself is more than enough of a challenge!) but with this godforsaken H1N1 as well. A mom said to me today, "So if I've got a generally healthy kid" (gesture toward teenage boy) "and he gets the flu, it seems to me the most sensible thing is just to stay home and ride it out, isn't it?" I could have kissed her. If only the rest of the Triangle would take a cue from that family. For the past five months we've been, in a word, swamped with flu cases. And it's really hard to keep taking people's media-fueled concerns seriously when the fact is that we're all, every one of us, wading knee-deep through H1N1 every single day. If you're unlucky enough to get it, well, you'll feel crummy for a week or so, and then you'll get better. Yes, there are people with underlying health conditions who should probably see their doctors, but that's just as true for the regular seasonal influenza that we see every single year. Bottom line? It's the flu. Suck it up.

Anyway, I could whine about all the tiny daily frustrations all night long, but this impending burnout feels like more than just flu season. Liz said last night, "It's because you're not getting out what you're putting in," and I think she's exactly right. Officially, my hours are 8am to 5pm, but because I live so far away and the traffic is so bad (and because actually being DONE at 5pm is a rare event), a typical day has me leaving the house at 7:15am and getting home no earlier than 6pm. That means that I devote around 11 hours of each day to my job. (And while I'm working, I'm WORKING -- it's not like an office job, where you can take a five-minute mental break to read your email and check Facebook.) Not only that, but the money is barely enough for me to support myself... I can pay all my bills, which is great, but I'm still counting the price of every item I put in my shopping cart, and still running out of money at the end of every pay period. The intrinsic rewards (cute kids, nice coworkers, etc.) plus the extrinsic rewards (money) are simply not filling in the hole I'm creating with the amount of my time/energy I'm pouring into the place. Add a scoop of Flu Season to the top of that sundae, along with a hefty sprinkle of H1N1 vaccine protocols, and you've got one miserable Jess.

And I feel guilty in a way, because there are so many others who are doing even more than I am -- lots of the other nurses work five days a week, for instance, or pick up more weekend days than I do, or volunteer to run flu clinics, or work extra hours to fill holes in the schedule... and I honestly don't know how they do it. I signed up to work this Sunday, because we're expected to work a certain number of weekend days, and even that self-imposed usurping of my 'free' time makes me want to scream. Every time someone asks me to work extra time outside of my regular Monday-to-Thursday schedule, my insides clench together in instant protest. I don't want to. But... no one else seems to mind it as much as I do. Either everyone else is that much less selfish than I am, or they truly don't resent the job as much. I don't know which it is, or why it is... but I'm tired of feeling guilty over it. I am one person, and I'm carrying the load I can carry, and that's just going to have to be enough.

It's only for eight more months, anyway. I'm ready to go back to school, ready to have a license that means something and a paycheck of four digits. I want a job with regular hours, where I have a tiny bit more prestige, where I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm "doing enough". I want a job that's salaried, where I make enough money that I won't resent being there every day. I'm approaching a breaking point, and it isn't because this particular job is so heinous. It's just that I've been struggling like this for years now, ever since I've been out on my own. I'm frustrated because I've put in my time, I've paid my dues, and I'm ready to move on -- and up. Let the next generation of twenty-year-olds struggle a little, and let me out of this holding pattern. Let me become what I'm supposed to be.

5.) Now that I'm done ranting, I believe I'm going to go watch Grey's Anatomy. There are good things about Thursday nights. :)

So I ran the half marathon this morning, and overall it went really well. I woke up to cold gray skies and pouring rain which didn't ever really stop, but that was actually a better alternative than the humid heat we had yesterday. I got to the site around 6am, huddled under various tents with a few thousand of my new best friends as we collectively tried to stay out of the rain, and even managed to time my final Porta-Potty trip so that I reached the start corral right as the race began (a sharp contrast to my last big race, the Marine Corps Marathon last year, where I was nowhere near the starting line when the gun went off!). Anyway, rain or no rain, we were off!

We started (and finished) on NC State's Centennial Campus (close to where Liz's and my last apartment was), then went through a portion of downtown Raleigh (which was like a wind tunnel, ugh!) and doubled back around through Cameron Village before rejoining Hillsborough Street. I ran this part (about seven miles) straight through, without stopping to walk; my 10k time (6.2 miles) was right around 1:05, which is a ten-and-a-half-minute mile. I've never gone even close to that fast in a race before. And despite the rain, the scenery was really pretty; traffic was stopped, so all the roads were quiet except for the rain and the sounds of our feet, and the red and yellow leaves were starting to turn brown and drop off the trees. I didn't have my headphones on yet at this point (I decided to use my marathon strategy and not use them until I 'needed' them) so I had a few brief conversations with other runners as we went through downtown. I met two girls from New England, another woman from Baltimore, and Julie, a mother of three who lives in Raleigh and was right about my same pace; we passed each other several times throughout the race. I think I ended up beating her, but not by much.

The course rejoined Hillsborough Street around mile seven. After what had been a relatively quiet and scenic (if wet) route, the first hint of civilization that came into view was the Burger King drive-thru, which prompted a lot of jokes ("Anybody want a snack?" "Didn't know this was part of the entry fee!"). I took my first walk break around this point and broke out the headphones, swallowed some Advil, and ate some of my Sport Beans. We ran past Meredith College and up to the now-empty fairgrounds, which was where the marathon participants continued on toward Umstead State Park and the half marathon runners (including yours truly) got to turn around. (The fairgrounds also happen to be approximately one mile from my apartment, so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just slightly tempted to jog on home and take a hot shower, then come back and finish this whole race thing at some later date! :))

We turned around, ran back down the hill (I got a second wind here -- downhills will do that to you!), back past Meredith, and continued farther down Hillsborough Street, into the main NCSU campus. After one final hill, we retraced our earlier steps down Western Blvd back to the Centennial Campus. The last mile felt endless, and I was having a lot of trouble keeping myself going, but I finally found my 'power song' (Pat Benatar's "Invincible") on my iPod, which helped. And the final stretch happened to be a downhill, so I actually ended up having one of my strongest race finishes ever. During one of the bursts of heavy rain, I came through the finish chute -- in an unbelievable (for me) time of 2 hours 26 minutes. I had wanted to beat Tara from last season's The Biggest Loser, who ran a 2:24, so I didn't meet that goal, but I did cut THIRTY-FOUR MINUTES off the time of the last half marathon I ran (January 2007, at Disney World), so I can't really complain. And there is the small fact that Tara ran her 13.1 miles around an INDOOR TRACK, while I ran mine in the wind, rain, cold, and hills while recovering from the aforementioned Cold from Hell. So… I think I can begrudge her those two minutes. :)

Anyway, so it was a very strong run for me, which I wasn't expecting -- I didn't really put in the miles that I should have, especially in recent weeks, and then with getting sick, well... I wasn't expecting much. But my overall pace was 11:19, which is crazy-fast for me during a race of this length. (Another interesting thing is that, judging by my 8.5-mile time of about 1:32, I'd have easily met my Gate River Run goal of 1:45 if that had been the race I'd run today.) And my body feels great right now -- the only thing that's causing me any real pain is a blister on the bottom of my right foot, and I was practically asking for that by running in new shoes (though the new ones were still a much better option than the old, beaten-up ones!). Pretty unbelievable.

Anyway, I'll get another chance to beat Tara in February, when I run the marathon in Jacksonville, so we'll see how that one plays out.

My next running goal... to try to get Liz to sign up for the Turkey Trot with me on Thanksgiving. (Honestly... that may be more difficult than the marathon will be. :))

Happy November, everybody!